This weekend there will be a program on television that people call the “Oscars.” This event has nothing to do with green monsters who live in trash barrels or murderous Olympians. It is about giving pretty gold statues to movies lots of people didn’t see and the people who worked on these movies. Since people love competition, it will be widely speculated and televised upon. Here’s a few things you can expect:
- The event will be hosted by a man named Seth. He will sing as if he were in a pretty Rogers & Hammerstein musical, say a joke that will be what everyone was really thinking about a celebrity in the crowd, and people will say mean things to him on Twitter.
- There will be a carpet. It will be red.
- There will be a performance of a song from a musical about the French Revolution sung by American sounding people, some you will recognize and others you won’t.
- If you are at a party where this event is on, everyone there will say “I don’t know what any of these are… Oh haha the Simpsons!” when they announce nominees for a category called Best Short Film.
- Some braggart will post a Vine from the front row.
- Movies about or are based on past events will get many statues from people wearing nice clothes.
- A man named Michael Douglas will help out somehow.
- A website called IMDb will be where everyone goes on Monday morning when trying to recount all winners to their coworkers.
- They will try it all again next year.
Now that you’ve learned this much, I might as well tell you who all the winners of these Academy Awards will or should be:
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Will Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Artist
Should Win: Richard Parker, Life Of Pi
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Will Win: Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Should Win: Helen Hunt, Mad About You Reruns
Will Win: Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln
Should Win: Katy Perry, Part Of Me
Will Win: Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Should Win: The Lorax, The Lorax
Will Win: Steven Speilberg
Should Win: Whoever made Step Up 4
Will Win: Argo
Should Win: This one ——>
Happy Oscar season, everyone!
Full weekend of shows lined up! Hope to see you there:
Friday! “The Saddest Sketch Show” // 11pm @ The People’s Improv Theater
Saturday! “Improv 4 Kids: Halloween Show!” // 3pm @ Broadway Comedy Club
Sunday! “LMAO: Musical Improv Comedy Show” // 8pm @ Broadway Comedy Club
As always, tweet me for more info @thepatreidy